We all know that lying is bad.

But we do it everyday, don’t we?
“Hey, man! How you doin’?” (‘n because that’s how we talk in Indiana.)
“I’m great!”
Sound familiar?

But, we’re not always there are we?
I’ve been in a really weird rut now for about a year and half.
Which has made for a really hard year, which Angie and I started discussing last night at the dinner table (a dinner comprised of DQ and popcorn, mind you).

And it all started just a few weeks before I turned 30.
I had a great wife.
A hilarious 2-year-old boy that I’d shoot the moon for.
A great job doing what GOD called me to.
We were waiting to meet our daughter.
But something happened and I cracked.

We bought a minivan.
Kidding.
We did buy a van, but I don’t know what actually happened.
In July of 2011 I started having panic attacks.
(No need to get into that here again. You can watch the story here.)

But that’s just where it started.
From panic attacks to a new job for Angie…
the the death of a grandparent to the birth of a child…
It’s been a hard year for all of us in our house.
Throw in a broke foot on a 3-year-old (being 3 is the key to that difficulty), the passing of a friend to cancer, and all the self inflicted pressure put on the self of a type A…
It’s nearly enough to make anyone crack.
And, I did.

But, it shouldn’t happen to me, right?
I’m good at working through.
I’m a problem solver.
I help other people through their crap.
I love Jesus.
Why should I be the one to crack?

My counselor thinks that the stress I put on myself has lead to anxiety which has started leading to depression.
And, I don’t get it.
I don’t understand any of it.
All I know about it is that there have been a lot of days I haven’t wanted to get out of bed.
Some days I haven’t.
I snap more quickly and more harshly.
Especially at my family.
And it sucks.

I know and believe that GOD wants nothing but greatness for all of us.
But, why do we…
Why do I…
Have to deal with this stuff?

And, then I think…
“Some people wish they could have my problems.”
And, it starts to come back to perspective.

Some days I just want to stay in bed all day.
Other days, I want to be surrounded by people.
Still others, I just want to sit and reflect on all that GOD does for me… us.
Others, I just get pissed at Him for letting things get the best of me.
But, through it all He’s there.

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Right now at XPT, we’re working through this Journey Home.
We’re looking at what it means to be adopted by GOD.
With all of our baggage in hand.
We can come home.
It’s been a really welcoming process…
Even for someone like me who’s known Jesus for a long time.

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So, why the stress?
Why was 30 a hard year?
Honestly…
No facebook pretending…
Because I did ‘most everything by myself.
I tried to be Superman to my wife and kids.
I wanted to have it all together in my job.
I didn’t think I needed to share my struggles with anyone.
I really wanted to just get through it with as little effort as possible.
But, I’m finding GOD in the mess.
In the struggle.
In the journey, I’m starting to see that there’s grace.

And, that’s what I need.
I’ve never accepted it well.
I’ve never felt like I deserve it.
But, He thinks I do.
And, that’s life changing in itself.

So, when you ask me how I am and I say, “I’m doin’ great!” (again wit the ‘n.)
Call me out on that crap.
I want to live a life of honesty and confession.
Not because it’s what GOD wants for us.
But, because it’s more healthy.

Today, I’m doin’ fine.
I’ve got a wonderful wife who loves me.
I’ve got 2 kids that’d I’d literally give an arm and a leg for (I still am, actually).
I’ve got a Ministry Hangover type of migraine, but I saw GOD move yesterday through what He’s called me to.
I have to trust.
It’s hard sometimes, but it’s worth it more than I know yet.