If I’m honest with those of you that read this blog, I’m damaged goods.  It sounds cliche, I know… but it’s true.  It’s something that I live with.  It’s something that we all have to come to grips with.  It’s just a fact of life.  It makes it really tough being the emotional train wreck that I can be sometimes.  Anyone that’s been to Crosspoint more than once has seen me choked up to the point of tears.  I say “more than once” because it doesn’t happen every week, but pretty regularly I get caught up in the emotion of worship and life change and it breaks me.  It’s a good break.  We all have good breaks.  Reminders that we’re not perfect, that we can’t do it alone.  That someone greater is willing to take it for us.

But, then there are bad breaks.  My friend Ben (another worship pastor friend of mine who told me last week that is life’s goal is to be mentioned in my blog as frequently as possible) and I had a conversation a few months back about things that steal our joy after a Sunday.  He had 2 things:  1.  When people complain about the sound.  (AGREED.) 2.  When people’s “sinning lives” becomes his problem.  That last one sounds worse than it is.  We know everyone sins, but when it becomes an issue for him to manage his teams and lead people well in worship, it steals his joy. (AGREED.)

I can get behind both of these.  Both tear me down hard.  Both cause bad breaks where wounds get reopened and I’m left to deal with them on my own.

But, I’ll add a third:  When someone questions my character or my heart, it kills me.  Whenever someone offers unwarranted advice that starts with, “I tell you this because I love you…” it’s never going to go well.  I’m all for personal growth.  I’m all for critique.  I’m the guy that asks his boss for performance reviews.  Who does that?

So, here I am… as honestly and bluntly as I possibly can be:

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My name is PJ.  I’m a people person with a strong type-A “don’t question me when I make a decision” leadership style.  I can be abrasive and not mean to be.  I play back every conversation that I ever have from “short and in passing” to “long and drawn out” over and over again in my head in attempt to make sure that I’m not tearing anyone down.  I still miss the mark on it and find times that I need to apologize.  I’ve been told that I apologize too quickly and I give up my leadership credibility because of it.  I disagree with that, but have to remind myself that I disagree with it regularly.  I obsess over it when I know that I’ve hurt someone.  I am emotionally a slave to other people… even to the point of sinning.  I’m an approval seeker.  It’s hard for me to let things go when I get hurt.  Everything goes through my heart and gets an emotional response before it ever makes it to my head for an intellectual answer.  I am damaged goods.

But, none of this is my identity.  Issues, sure.  But, my identity lies in the fact that I’m redeemed.  As I read last week: “Grace is scandalous...” and I’m invited into the drama.

+PJT